Four years, a home sold, bankrupted, corruption amuck and a civilian transition I never imagined. What it means to finally reclaim my life, my voice, and my freedom from New Jersey’s greatest failed experiement that they actually recruited us too.
Veterans in particular……
So, as someone who came home from a combat tour in August 2021, injured at that, and saw this as a viable opportunity that I joined in March 2022 - Im here to tell you it was the biggest set up and the worst part of their decision has been to villanize advocates, instead of work alongside them.
Such a MUA and many others.
But yall know my motto…..I go where I’m celebrated, not tolerated so now…..
I’M FINALLY FREEEEEEEEEE.
PHEW, I have been waiting to say those words and actually feel them.
Funny how once upon a time we were jumping for joy to “WIN” a piece of paper, now I couldn’t burn the shit fast enough.
And sadly, I’m still dealing with the downfall from it….because of course taking that grant was another one of the worst decisions I made in my life, but that’s what happens when you have investors, pressures, and a relentless will to make something work.
But now, despite the clean up and the lawsuits…. I am officially free from the cannabis regulatory system that had so much control over my livelihood.
Again, I am still dealing with the consequences of these last four years, and as a transitioned disabled vet that barely found their footing….spending my hard earned money on lawsuits, precedents and prinicpal is not how I wanted to spend my living, but that’s what they want…..someone to give up and throw in the towel, so….just know, you absolutely found the right one. I’ll die on this hill because quite frankly, yall already tried to KILL me on it. LITERALLY.
Outside of also defaming me and trying to crush my spirit, there are financial wounds, personal losses, and a ton of other things I am still trying to process, like you know…being hit by a car and flying several feet in the air. Sadly learning to walk again doesnt just make that situation go away, however I can at least finally begin making decisions about my future without a cannabis license sitting at the center of them.
That freedom deserves a celebration however I believe it also deserves an examination because four years ago, I entered an industry that was sold to me as an opportunity and I poured EVERYTHING into that delusional possibility. New Jersey was talking about equity, ownership, repairing harm, and creating pathways for people historically excluded from building wealth so why wouldn’t I join?
That’s why all the politicans joined and shoook everyone down right?
Because they thought everyone would be rich? I mean who tries to take something that’s not worth anything. Makes you scratch your head right.
But as a Black and Latina woman, a disabled veteran, and someone preparing to build a life after military service, I believed there could be a place for me in that promise.
What I experienced was broken policy, regulatory dysfunction, and a state congratulating itself while people like me absorbed the cost of its “equity” experiment. It was a lie and no one wanted or wants, to take any accountability to fix it. TBH, I predict more dismantling to come because this administration is no where near aligned with the last.
I’m hurt because I put my money, my family’s stability, my education, and my work ethic behind this business. I took the opportunity seriously and was the prime example of the “type of operator they wanted.”
Looking back, I wish the systems responsible for making it viable had treated our lives with the same seriousness.
Fresh Out the Navy, in what’s now…. a war zone.
I came home August 2021, and was stationed at the same Persian Gulf that is an active war zone right now. God moved me from there, so I could be here and build a life with my growing family, boots on the ground, AT HOME.
After ten years of service, I was trying to figure out what came next because I also was falling out of alignment with my then current field and I also had an injury impacting that work.
Veterans know that leaving the military is more complicated than finding another job. You are rebuilding your routines, your identity, and your sense of purpose while learning how to operate in a world that works very differently from the one you just left.
I wanted to build something meaningful. I wanted to provide for my family, create jobs, and contribute to my community. Entrepreneurship felt like a place where my leadership experience could translate into something lasting.
I understood hard work, doing more with less, responsibility, how to execute a mission and what it means to keep going when circumstances are difficult.
What I did not understand was how much of that determination I would spend trying to survive a system I had entered legally, in good faith, and at considerable personal risk as I already have severe PTSD & anxiety.
Veterans already talk about how difficult transitioning to civilian life can be.
But this took the cake. 🎂😵💫
What “opportunity” looked like from my side
From the outside, ownership can look exciting. People see your name, your storefront, your opening announcement. They see a woman veteran entering an emerging industry and assume the opportunity is working.
But inside the business, you are calculating how much longer you can keep paying and how much run way you have.
Rent does not pause while a process stalls. Your household still needs support. Every month of uncertainty has a dollar amount attached to it, and eventually that money has to come from somewhere.
For me, it meant selling a house to keep the business afloat after we were finally open (took 30 months, ouch) and taking on side jobs to give the business the growth it needed.
I need people to sit with that sentence, because “entrepreneurial sacrifice” can sound inspirational until you understand what someone actually gave up.
A house is an asset. It represents years of work, stability, and options for your family. Selling it to sustain a business means moving something real and established into something you are still hoping will work and having faith the people regulating it are respecting you and it enough, to do the right thing.
I made that decision because I believed in what I was building and I kept trying to give the business enough time to survive. We were already running from a deficit with our lounge stalled 3 years, paying rent on the space and Jersey City moving the goal post so there are several areas that unnecessarily suffocated us. And intentionally because….how can you argue none of it is on purpose?
That is one of the hardest parts of looking back for me. Every additional sacrifice can feel reasonable when you believe you are close to turning the corner because you feel you have already invested so much. Plus you have people depending on you and you want the effort to mean something so you just push and push and push.
But then the next delay comes, the next expense, and the next problem you are expected to solve with money you no longer have.
And the biggest problem in this industry is no one realizes popularity does not equate to revenue. `Just because someone is a fan of my advocacy or content in South Jersey doesnt mean they are coming to shop in my store daily in Jersey City. It’s just basic economics that people don’t consider when they are in awe of the perception of things.
Where there was no perception……
After everything I had already put into keeping the business alive, getting hit by a car added another reality I could not work my way around.
I almost lost my son, my life, and if I didn’t work hard enough….my ability to walk. Recovery demanded time, attention, and energy while the financial pressure continued, all the while I’m working through a TBI and Post concussion syndrome.
I just feel like literally, there is a particular kind of exhaustion that comes from needing to heal while still feeling responsible for holding everything together. Your body needs rest, but your mind is calculating bills, schedules, payroll. Allthewhile, you are trying to be present for your family while carrying fear about what happens next.
The financial and mental toll was devastating.
I was a veteran navigating civilian life, a business owner trying to survive, a wife and mother, and then an injured person trying to recover. WTF
Those responsibilities existed at the same time because sadly none of them politely waited for the others to become manageable. Shit hit me like a ton of bricks.
THEN - Apparently….. honesty was a problem
Since day 1 I’ve been sharing my professional critque on the industry and instead of valuing the lived experience of an actual operator and using that to improve your programs…..they villanized me.
I wrote about it, 2 white papers actually, predicting we’d be here. I questioned decisions and policy that did not make sense to me and I challenged the distance between the public narrative and what it actually felt like to operate inside this system, because….if we are on the same team, why are you mad?
Just fix it. Right?
I mean at this point, we are a sample pool. Wouldn’t you want and value my insights, whether win or lose? Data is data. Matter fact, I’m a disabled veteran New Jerseyan….why wouldn’t you actually want me to win?
Doesnt that kinda tell your story better?
Give you an actual example to your claims of success?
Yeah…. see why I don’t get why everyone made this harder…..
Then on a municipal level….the state knows they are running amuck. But my question is like why don’t you just wrangle them in, fix the legislation, and make them pay all they stole from people….but no.
Doing the right thing is just too hard.
And me, I just be like hey, here are some solutions. And they be like…..shut her up she’s the devil telling the truth!!! lol. It’s been a wild character to assume, but like I said….im pretty sure everyone realizes I was right now. LOL
And, also that I’m never going away.
Like on principal I’m never taking my foot of the neck of those who decided to be an adversary and create a hard time out of what should have been a good time. I want everyone’s money back and I legit want an apology.
I want to hear someone at the highest levels of government, in their best Mandami voice, and say we are sorry for failing the cannabis industry.
From my perspective, speaking honestly came with consequences. I felt punished for refusing to stay quiet, while also realizing being publicly agreeable mattered more to some people than addressing the problems I was raising. All the while crying in my DMs about what a bad decision this was.
That is my experience, and I am entitled to tell it. No one told you to be the villian in my story. Im a service member, I’m always happy to be of service….but if you want to stand on the side with the opposition than those come with a different set of outcomes.
My background is in leadership and policy. When I see a process hurting the people it was supposedly designed to support, I am going to ask questions.
Period.
When the explanation does not match the experience, I am going to say so.
A system that invites people to participate should also be able to hear from them when participation is causing harm.
Let’s go to the data….show me what equity actually produced
So interestingly enough every CRC meeting they would put up all their charts and self congratulatory data about distribution of licenses, but here is the question I keep coming back to……
Was success in this industry measured by how many licenses they distributed, or by how many Black and Brown people, women, or disabled veterans built lasting wealth through this supposed pathway with sustainable businesses?
How many became millionaires?
How many have grown into an MSO or entered other markets?
How many built stable businesses that pay them a living, support their families, and have value beyond the next regulatory renewal?
Then ask the other questions.
How many are in debt?
How many depleted their savings?
How many sold property, borrowed from family, or kept putting personal money into businesses that could not sustain them?
How many are in litigation, receivership, or the brink of either?
I do not have a verified statewide count, but hat is precisely the kind of information I’d love to see alongside the announcements celebrating this market.
A license count cannot answer those questions. Neither can a ribbon-cutting photograph or a headline about total sales.
The private agreement and public silence
One of the most painful parts was hearing people privately acknowledge the same problems while watching how few were willing to stand beside me publicly.
I understand the fear, but as a sailor….I don’t. Because I wasn’t trained too. I was trained to fight, to speak up for injustice, and to run into the fire….not away from it. But I get that when your livelihood depends on approvals and political decisions you do not control, speaking up can feel expensive.
I too lived that fear.
But understanding it does not erase how lonely it felt to speak while people who agreed remained quiet. It also does not change what that silence makes possible.
If the public hears only the celebration, it never sees the full cost.
If struggling owners feel they have to hide their experiences, the next person enters with an incomplete picture of the risk. Many are still sitting on panels, lying to the next generation of business entrants, not actually sharing their experiences. It’s despicable and causing more harm.
But with that, I am grateful to the people who did stand beside me. I know support can carry consequences in a small industry, but I also know we cannot keep asking the same few people to absorb all the risk of telling the truth. I mean….does no one see what’s happening in Massachusetts?
What I’m watching next
So since apparently some of y’all, actually many of yall did not read my white papers, let me explain why I remain concerned.
Massachusetts is a state I am watching closely. Its 2026 ballot question seeks to end the regulated adult-use market while retaining medical cannabis. The existence of that effort should challenge the assumption that legalization, once achieved, can only move forward.
My concern is that a successful rollback could encourage similar efforts elsewhere. That is a prediction, not a claim that the outcome has already been decided, but, very probable.
In New Jersey, I expect more closures if the conditions squeezing small operators continue. I worry about declining support for equity initiatives and state sponsored programs and whether changes in federal policy will leave independent adult-use businesses competing in a landscape increasingly organized around medical access.
I also have serious doubts about whether this administration will prioritize the needs of small cannabis operators. Being bullish and delusional on the industry does not remove political risk. Leadership, appointments, budgets, and policy choices matter to businesses that have very little room left to absorb another change.
Then there is the Social Equity Excise Fee, or SEEF. New Jersey lists the 2026 rate at $2.50 per ounce, assessed on usable recreational cannabis sold by licensed cultivators. If that is raised anymore than $5…the industry is buried.
I mean, maybe that’s what they want…….
My concern is what a substantial increase could mean for an already strained supply chain, particularly if businesses pass those costs along. Before celebrating additional revenue collected in the name of equity, I want to know who will ultimately carry that burden and who will receive a measurable benefit.
I also want continued scrutiny of how public decisions in this industry have been made. I have questions about influence, accountability, and whose interests those decisions served. Those questions deserve documented answers.
None of this gives me pleasure. I would love to see a future that proves my concerns unnecessary, but either way, im finally free from the chaos.
Plus, being right does not reimburse you.
People sometimes treat a warning coming true as a victory.
There is very little satisfaction in recognizing a problem early and still living through the damage.
Being right does not give us back our homes. It does not replenish our savings, restore our health, or return the years we spent trying to make this work.
I wish I had been wrong. I wish the opportunity had matched the language used to sell it. I wish more of my energy had gone into building the business instead of navigating the conditions surrounding it.
I can acknowledge what I learned without pretending the price was reasonable.
What freedom means now
Today, freedom means I can finally begin separating my future from this license.
It means giving more attention to my recovery, my family, and the work I want to create. It means building through media, education, and conversations where my experience has value.
I still care about the plant, the small biz owners trying to survive, the teams depending on them, and the communities that were promised something better. Leaving the regulatory system does not erase those relationships or my interest in what happens next, but I am allowed to stop sacrificing myself to remain inside it.
I am proud that I tried, I am proud that I built something, and I am proud that, even when it was uncomfortable and it was costly, I continued to speak honestly about my experience. For the betterment of the space.
So…just know…the aftermath is real, but so is the got dayum relief.
I almost lost my leg, maybe even my mind…but thank God I still have my voice.
Let the games begin. 🪖🎖️🫡